@NewDadNotes

DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?

Darth Vader: Im An…

DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins

Darth Vader: I think he died

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@SunshineJarboly

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

@BoogTweets

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

@Huntermoore

Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face

@MarfSalvador

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

@Illiter8

Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting?
Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me.

@AlisonChrista

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

@RatchetAfrican

Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not…

@david8hughes

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

@d_duhwit

*baby crying on plane*
Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse then a baby crying on a plane.
Me *pulling out kazoo*: Let’s find out.