*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?
Darth Vader: Im An…
DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins
Darth Vader: I think he died
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting?
Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not…
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
*baby crying on plane*
Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse then a baby crying on a plane.
Me *pulling out kazoo*: Let’s find out.