Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
What
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Which wines pair best with gloating?
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.