Diabetes was the God of sugar.
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settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Well, this is awkward
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell