Diabetes was the God of sugar.
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I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Note to self: I am a note
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Bear
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.