Diabetes was the God of sugar.
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I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced