Diabetes was the God of sugar.
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Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.