Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.