Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
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Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Good morning y’all ☀️
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
He a real one for that
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Need WebMD
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems