Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
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PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.