Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂