Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

me at the job i begged god for

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

wife: please be careful with that box…you remember the bead incident

narrator: of course he remembered the bead incident. it was may, 2017. he’d decided to surprise her by organizing the closet, but it was he who would soon be surprised.

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom