Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

see you in hell you stupid fruit

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

😂

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???