*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
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You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
When I said I liked it rough.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.