Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?