Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

i love meeting boys on tinder

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.