Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner