Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
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“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Eggs benadryl my favourite
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Always…
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.