Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

is this a warning or an offer?

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night