Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
HELP 😭
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day