Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.