Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
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Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Pretty much. 🤣
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
i smell a pulitzer
Yes
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.