Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Good news
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Don’t make me out nice you.