“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top