Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

At least try to make it slightly believable

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Me redecorating every room in my mind

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.