[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
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Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Ugh, I hate when my coworkers try to message me during my online shopping hours.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
i dont have time for this
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.