Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Just a friendly reminder!

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?