Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.