DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
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My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Creative Problem Solving
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
motivation
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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