DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
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I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Have a lovely day 😊
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.