Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You Might Also Like
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please