Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
per my last wtf
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Stop it! 😂
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Icarus loved hot wings.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!