Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
*watches the world burn*
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Just this preview of the story is enough
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds