Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Sooo many times…..
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
❤️❤️❤️