Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
This forever.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?