Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot