DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
titanic
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?