Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.