{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
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Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
We have a winner.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.