{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
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Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.