dictator is short for richard potato
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“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.