Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d