Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
You Might Also Like
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*