Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

🥃

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

*serious situation*

My brain:

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.