Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

Thrilling chase underway

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.