Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
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CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.