Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
You Might Also Like
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Stop
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.