Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
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Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.