Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
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[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
what my late-night hot pocket sees
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
