Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.