Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

thats my bad

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

Covert ops