Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years