Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
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Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Liquor Store Parking
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*