Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
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I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns