Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.