Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567