Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?