Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

when unicorns get really drunk

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.