Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.


Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.


My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.


I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding


I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?


9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.


If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?


If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.


You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.


[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em