Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
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You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday