Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.