Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

People buying plungers never look happy.

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?