Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

58.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.