Did a trash talking tree write this?
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Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
How about daylight saves us for once
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
GM✌🏻
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.