Did a trash talking tree write this?
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if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*