Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
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rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”