Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
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I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
He wanted to make sure😂
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
“I took care of your clown problem.”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*