Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
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Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
#Caturday
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate