Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
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Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
stop
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.