Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
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I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.