My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
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What’s this sorcery? 😂
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.