Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God