Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
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Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
The Assassin.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die