Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Sorry not sorry.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
