Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
#MeanwhileinCanada
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
So glad we cleared that up
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
