Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
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My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
the rocks need my help
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That